O My Love

In honor of Valentine's Day, here is another excerpt from Where Is Luv? Oh, the drama, the longing, the hormones! If thou can beareth it, taketh thou back in time, and remember.

December 1, 1968

I changed a lot today. I grew up a bit. I discovered something. I don't know exactly what but it was and is beautiful: this feeling. Went to Romeo and Juliet starring Olivia Hussey, 16, and Leonard Whiting, 17. Terribly moving, vivid, exciting, sad, beautiful, expressful, deep. It hit me like a bomb and I have been in a daze all day. I feel I must find someone who loves me and needs me badly! I feel that I will find him soon! I don't know if this is true but I live until that day! I have taken a deeper outlook upon myself.

Oh God. This sounds so silly yet all day I have been captured by this dream and ache for love and beauty, such that Romeo and Juliet shared!! I even wrote "poems"—something I never do! They have probably all been written before and are all clichés but my brain fed the thoughts to my pen and it was a new feeling! I thought Shakespearean—I thought of love and beauty and purity!! Oh! I can't explain it! I cried so hard afterwards and I want to cry now, too!!

Came home in a daze. Ate. Washed hair. Wrote and read. Cleaned room. Prepared for tomorrow (school—ugh! Harsh Reality!!). Tests and Exams and Projects are so superfluous—to my one and only goal ---> to Love or at least to have this incompleteness in my soul fulfilled. "Goodnight, Goodnight! ... parting is such sweet sorrow!!" Ahh, goodnite. Love, Deb

O my love, I seek not for thy body
Only for thy soul
What lies within you is beyond my comprehension
What lies without I only know is mine.
I love thee
But I seek not for that which I may have
I seek for what I cannot have
My soul aches and yearns for love
Love only your soul can return!

Where must I search?
Where does he hide?
Need he but murmur the stirrings in his soul,
Would he then my soul capture!

The love brewing in my heart!
My soul and my mind must be fulfilled!
When not, thence come the expressions of my body: Tears
Tears, the outlet of my soul
The salty droplets have but no meaning to she or he
Only to me. Only to these lips of mine which absorb this dew
My love! When you come not, then these sweet dewdrops
Will turn to frost!
My anguish is none if I know of but one man
To love, so that together our souls may be one.

Happy New Year, 1969

In the fall of 1968, I was in ninth grade at Munich International School. Nixon had just been elected president and the Apollo 8 astronauts were about to orbit the moon. I was obsessed with Romeo and Juliet, having just seen Zeffirelli’s movie with Olivia Hussey and Leonard Whiting. For December break, my family drove to Rome via Florence, Siena, and San Gimignano. Not too shabby as school vacations go.

In these excerpts from my memoir-in-progress, Where Is Luv? A Teenager’s Diary of Hope, Passion, and Total Confusion, it's clear some things have changed . . . and some most assuredly have not. Happy New Year, 2009! I hope it is a year of love and peace.

December 27, 1968
(2 months till 15)

Visited Sistine Chapel and the whole bit. It was OK. Fantastic work and realism but TOO much! Sculptures are nice, though. Watched a marvelous and exciting Apollo splashdown and recovery on TV! Wow! The moon!! It’s really a great breakthru!

4 days till 1969. 62 days till my birthday. 9 days till Munich. 10 days till school.

December 29

Went to impressive Baths of Caracalla, with little kiddies running around and to Palazzo Farnese. Nice frescoes. And to these fantastic ruins at Ostia Antica! Wow! Buildings, paintings, bathrooms, tunnels, statues, palaces, theaters, warehouses, stores. A real civilizazione! 100,000 people!! (200-300 AD?)

December 30

Slept latish, took bathio. Visited statue of Moses and San Sebastian mosaic. Walked to Pantheon. Saw USA sailors who “wowed” at me. Wow! Gotta goa toa bedda. Yeah? Bene! Molto bene! Buona sera!

December 31

Well, this is it! The end of another year. So what? It’s just 366 days gone by with 365 more to come! But it’s traditional to make a big thing. So I will. Today we saw some church, which was lovely, and the Catacombs—ancient and smelly but interesting.

News: Triumph of Apollo 8; release of Pueblo crew; Israel and the Arabs clashing; Paris peace talks moving along. I hope 1969 brings more peace to earth, although I doubt it.

Resolutions? Let’s see:

1) Resist smoking. (Build feminine willpower.)
2) Try to establish better relations at home, especially with mother (be less close?).
3) Work hard in school.
4) Grow, damnit!
5) Quit swearing so much!
6) Ultra-femina: looks, attitude, actions
7) Continue interest in world.
8) Write a book.

We’re heading off now for a New Year’s party. I’ll see you next year! Arrivederci!

January 1, 1969

2:07 a.m. after really boring, wild, icky New Year’s party at Dover Hotel with a bunch yucks and fakes and icks. Last word I said in 1968 = LOVE. First word I said in 1969 = LOVE. I hope it is a year of love and peace.

Later: 11:15 p.m. after a long day. Visited San Pietro and saw Pope Paul VI and got “blessed.” Beautiful church! Climbed to top (ugh)—utterly fantastic view! Beautiful sunny chilly day and just perfect! Saw Oliver. I’m still determined to act/sing.

Back at 10. Sang songs and fooled around. At 11, I started to wash, and out from under the towel crawled a HUGE hairy spider! UGH! SHIVER! UGH!!! Donnie shivered too so Daddy (my hero) killed it! Ugh Ugh YUKH!! I itch all over.

Song from Oliver:

Where is love?
Does it come from skies above?
Is it underneath the willow tree that I’ve been dreaming of?
Where is he who I close my eyes to see?
Will I ever know the sweet hello that’s meant for only me?
Who can see where he may hide?
Must I travel far and wide
Till I am beside the someone who I can mean something to?
Where is love?

Fantastic song! It not only means so much but it fits me perfectly. Goodnite, goodnite. Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say goodnite till it be morrow! Romeo and Juliet is fantastic! Will that ever happen to me?

Short 'n' Bittersweet

I’m headed to Connecticut in the morning for Uncle Addy’s 85th birthday party. It will be good to see family and friends, but I’m sad because Addy’s struggling with health problems. We will sing skit songs and eat good food and dance and laugh and hug and cry and cherish the time we have together.

And we need to laugh. So for this week I’m posting a short diary entry from the extraterrestrial world of fifth grade, Milton School, Rye, New York. All names have been changed to protect the formerly pubescent. I’ll be presenting a longer piece that includes this entry at MORTIFIED BOSTON on January 8, 2009. Check out www.getmortified.com. Details to come!

January 6, 1965

Linda admitted that she loved Ricky. Vice versa. They said they’d kiss each other. Darn Ricky chickened out. What a double crosser. I called up Ricky and he said, Hello. I said, How could you? Now Linda hates your guts. He said, Good. I said, You love her, why don’t you kiss her? He said, Why don’t you hang up? I said, Make me. He said, Okay, I’ll hang up. I said, Go ahead, I don’t care. He did. I love him.

"Hope It Does Good"

March 15, 1965

Dear Diary,

President Johnson is making a speech about voter registration. Hope it does good. Asked Ricky for his class picture and he said maybe! Got a cello and I might keep it. I don’t like Cindy. No reason but I just don’t like her.

Shocking, isn't it? Despite my flagrant crush on Ricky Heidiger and my intermittent girl-feud with Cindy McCormick, I somehow put politics first on that ordinary fifth-grade day. LBJ, I hope you're listening up there, because it done did good, didn’t it?!

Like everyone else, I’m overwhelmed with thoughts, feelings, images, and memories this week—trying to grasp the reality and implications of Obama’s historic victory. So many eloquent essays and reflections have flooded the papers and TV and Internet. Here are some moments and musings of my own, and some links to savor.

Share your favorites in Comments!

Wrapping Up

• On Tuesday, after voting, partly to stave off a massive anxiety attack, I went to another calling party and reached African-American voters in Richmond, Virginia, including one Clarence Wimbish, 82, a retired Marine, who had waited in line for two hours in the rain at 6 a.m., and Ruby Taylor, 88, who giddily told me, “Baby, we all voted today, the whole household! It’s history, baby, history! We will win!”
  
  
• As if my tears weren’t drown-worthy during the midnight speech from Grant Park, I was swept out into the sea of change when the Obamas and Bidens shared the stage—realizing that the black man was the top man, the leader, the one with more power; the black family was the first family, not the second. And tears of relief because McCain and Palin and Bush and Cheney, they're over, done, toast, irrelevant. Free at last!
  
  
• Wednesday morning, driving around Watertown for a half hour in search of a New York Times. All out! Finally found one at a convenience store on a side street run by two Nepalese men who shared their joy and hope for America and the world. Everyone on the street was smiling—a sense of community far richer and a lot more fun than a Red Sox World Series win! Or two.

Random Musings

• How's Hillary?
  
  
• Who will fill Obama’s and Biden’s Senate seats? And if a governor makes the appointments, will Caribou Barbie appoint herself once Stevens is tossed? Can you see Hillary and Sarah on a committee together?
  
  
• How is it that people can take two years off from their jobs to apply for another job and not get fired?
  
  
• Will he say “Barack Hussein Obama” at the swearing-in?
  
  
• How will Sasha and Malia fare? I’m happy and sad for them. But I think they’re in good hands. Stay safe, kids. Stay real, if you can.
  
  
• That Rahm Israel Emanuel is one hunky dude.
  
  
• Did you see Obama's first press conference? JFK reincarnated. Energy, intellect, gravitas, humor, strength, actual full grammatical sentences! And that smile! Swoon.
  
  
• Is there a little girl writing in her diary this week, hoping the election of our first African-American president does good? I want to hug her and hold her tight and tell her it will. It can. It already has.
  

Debfeb's Election Faves

1. Barack Obama on The Daily Show, 10/29: So how does the Bradley Effect work if you're biracial?
   
   
2. The View on Wednesday morning—especially Whoopi Goldberg’s opening remarks.
   
   
3. Oprah’s Post-Election Special, with a stirring panel discussion, including David Gergen, Henry Louis Gates, Jr., John Lewis, Gloria Steinem, and Peggy Noonan.
   
   
4. Harry Smith interviews Maya Angelou, who recites “I Rise” on The Early Show.
   
   
5. “Song of Purple Summer,” a hopeful anthem from the soon-to-be-departing-from-Broadway-oh-no-my-life-is-over Spring Awakening.
   
   
6. Judith Warner’s powerful essay, “Tears to Remember,” on the 11/7 NYT blog.
   
   
7. The Pointer Sisters perform “Yes We Can” on Soul Train, 1973!

Oh Yes We Can I Know We Can Can, Yes We Can Can, Oh Why Can't We If We Wanna, Yes We Can Can!

Conventional Wisdom, 1968

It’s Convention time with a capital C, so in honor of the ever-changing, never-changing world of presidential elections, I'm posting excerpts from my memoir-in-progress, Where Is Luv? A Teenager’s Diary of Hope, Passion, and Total Confusion.

August 1968: On the political front, LBJ had dropped out of the race and RFK was gone. McCarthy was challenging Humphrey, and no one wanted Nixon to be president. No one I knew anyway.

On the personal front, my family was on Home Leave for two months, staying with relatives in Connecticut, plus a short visit to Miami to see the grandparents. All family all the time—quel challenge for a 14-year-old continental sophisticate. Or so I fancied myself.

Americans overseas, military or not (we were not), called extended visits to the States "Home Leave." But, after living in Germany for two years, the States was like a foreign country to me. Home was Munich. I’d left Rye, New York, far behind in 1966, and was deeply enmeshed in my life abroad and the politics of adolescence.

August 4, New Haven

Today I got all made up. I looked really good. I could be a model maybe! Mom said so. Cool! I think I'm not that ugly.

Can’t wait for Munich—28 days. Ugh! 4 whole wks. Convention starts tomorrow. Hope it’s Rocky vs. HHH [Nelson Rockefeller vs. Hubert Humphrey] or Rocky vs. LBJ. I doubt LBJ will run. 2 mos. ago Bobby Kennedy was shot. Still can’t believe it. I'm gonna plan my schedule for ninth grade real rigidly and get my homework done and study hard and keep up in Social Studies! I have potential!

August 12, Miami

Watched Convention. Tricky Dicky Nixon won and chose Spiro Agnew (whatta name!) for running mate. Rocky put up a good fite.

August 16, New Haven

Grüss Gott! [Hi!] Back in Connecticut after hectic week in Miami, visiting family and swimming and playing gin rummy, shuffleboard, and going out to dinner and having a gay-all time.

Latest rage! Earrings! Got a whole bunch of pierced-look earrings. I have been wearing them all the time. Mom is considering letting me get my ears pierced.

Latest rage! 35 $$$ to spend any way I please! I would like to buy a fall [faux hair] with it. That’s my latest wild wish. Since London I’ve sort of wanted one.

Latest rage! Spex! I got new pair spex. Also prescrip. sunspex. They really look great and do wonders for my face!! Soften, unangulate!

So now we’re back to nagging and arguments—better than nagging from the grandparents! But I love them dearly. They’re so peppy and alive. Some people their age resign themselves to a secluded life cuz they think they’re not much left for the world.

Saw 2001: A Space Odyssey. Really weird, interesting, wild movie. I’m gonna read the book and find out what it was really all about. I remember when I was at the movies at Family Theater [a Munich hangout] 2 mos. ago today (last time I saw everyone!!) and tried to foretell what real Americans were like. Well, I’ll tell ya! Real Americans are just as cheap as Munich Americans. Curlers, gum, fakey everything, airs, Cadillacs. I don’t really "dig it," as Donnie says. Higher-class "America" appeals to me. Late nites, evening gowns, sophisticated company. I hope I don’t submit to the cheap America later on.

For the plane trip, bought Intimate, a trashy magazine. Interesting to read, tho, and see how some girls (although imaginary) succumb to flattery and sweet talk to be conned into making love with a man. I hope I never make that mistake and then regret it as those girls did.

August 26

Went to Caldor's and got gobs of stuff. Breckset, Pssssst, school stuff, etc. Today, Karen and I went downtown. She got $17 Weejun loafers. I got a free Bonne Bell makeover. It was fun. But we put too much on! Bought $4 worth of the stuff and got free lip gloss. Bought orange and yellow accessories for my room. I wanna redecorate my room when I get back (5 days!!) w/ less clutter and more femininity.

August 30

Well, as Daddy says, it’s down to the wire! We’ll be in the air in 24 hours. Went to Hartsdale, went shopping, bought 2 mobiles and a poster at Giftique. Came back and saw Humphrey get the nomination. He chose Muskie as a running mate. Yeccch, what a choice, HHH or Nixon!!

I’m really nervous about going. I think I’ll really miss it more than if I hadn’t come at all. Visited old house [in Rye]. Nostalgic. TOODLES FROM THE STATES—Land of TV, hamburgers, nice houses, no fences, Alexander’s, violence!! Most everything! Oh well, not of friends.

September 2, Munich

Hello from land of beer, fat, hairy legs, ugly houses and our beautiful house!! The whole house is redone! It’s great! New möbel [furniture] in the living room. Brand new küche [kitchen]. Fantastic!! Rug in hall. Paint all over! My room is really tuff! Painted lite blue. With new stuff that I got it’ll be great! Have already started rearranging.

Left USA on Saturday—sad goodbyes. Then Ma, Pa and I zoomed off to JFK via the dentist (ayayay!). Good 6½-hour flite to London. Slept most of the way. Then 1½-hr. to Munich. Good to be back!

September 5

All I’ve been doing is fixing my room and clothes and the house. It’s taking shape now. Talked with Kathy for 40 minutes last night. I was afraid to tell her that I kind of wanna break away from her and the new kids and not always group together. So she agreed! I solved both our problems! We decided that we both want a new image. Both of us want good grades and popularity, so we figured we'd get good grades and be studious and then people will come to you if you’re generally nice to them w/out plugging for popularity. See? It’s hard to write. But on the first day we’re not gonna pair off and talk and gossip (no, no, no!!) but be more alone. I hope it works out.

I’m gonna really try to work this year. It’s very important to get honors to get into any ½ decent college and get a ½ decent education. So BUCKLE DOWN! In 10 days, school starts. My new "image" should be complete by then. It’ll be hard but I'm trying.

Stay tuned next week: Notes from HAIR in Central Park, August 22, 2008. Long live the '60s!