Earth Touch

In the absence of crises large and small, at least in my personal corner of the universe, I contemplate the vagaries of daily life.

The Paper Boy

That’s what we used to call them when I was growing up, anyway, but now I have no idea who the man is who wakes up in the middle of the night and drives around town tossing newspapers onto people’s stoops and porches. Usually, he hits the top step, but sometimes my Boston Globe lands in a puddle and soaks through, in which case I have to go through a lengthy phone tree to get a dry paper redelivered.

His name is Geraldo and he lives over near Logan Airport. I know this because about 10 times a year he sticks a self-addressed envelope in the plastic bag wishing me a happy mother’s day or a merry Christmas or peace in the Easter season, none of which applies to me. Every year, I mail him a Christmas check, but I pass on the other holidays.

This week, Geraldo enclosed another envelope, but this time with a typed-up plea:

Dear Custumer:

I want to say thank you for your help, because the gas are to expencive, and your tip are help me to be able to delivery your newspaper every day.

Thank you very much and have a great day.

Geraldo

I understand, Geraldo! I really do. I’m so grateful that you rise early and aim the paper, and I’d like to be able to tip you more frequently than at Christmas, but my heating oil bill just vaulted from $170 to $320 a month. I am seriously tapped.

However, Geraldo, I admire your style. Direct, heartfelt, proactive. Maybe you could run for office and figure out how to solve this whole energy mess? I’ll vote for you, I promise!

Tech Support

It wasn’t too much trouble after all to set up the RCN box so I could watch TV after the mandated digital conversion in my town. But I still couldn’t record a show. I called tech support. "Joe," who has a robust accent, offered to help. After giving all of my identifying information, we were on our way:

"Ma’am, please tell me, where are you sitting?"

"In front of the TV."

"Approximately how far away from the TV are you sitting, ma’am?"

I cannot gauge distances. Was it five feet, nine feet? Should I grab my ruler and measure? If I were lying down in this space, would I fit? "I have no idea," I said. "Maybe seven feet?"

"OK, ma’am. Now, I want you to move closer, approximately four feet, and aim the new RCN remote at the box." As distinct from my TV remote, VCR remote, and DVD remote.

I scootched forward on the floor. I was tired. I had trouble understanding him. But I needed him. "OK, what’s next?"

"Now, ma’am, I want you to press the Mute button and the OK button at the same time and hold them down for three seconds."

I obeyed.

"Do you see the seven upper buttons flashing in sequence?"

I did. He was reprogramming my TV from India.

"Now hold the CBL button down for two seconds and press OK twice."

Again, I followed his instructions. He took me through several more series of manual maneuvers, pressing different buttons simultaneously, then letting go.

"Joe, this is crazy. Don’t you think this is crazy?"

"Uh, no, ma’am, it is not crazy. Now just press once more the CBL button, then release."

Help! Joe! I haven’t had dinner yet. Finally, we were set. I tried to record, it didn’t work. So Joe wanted me to unhook and rehook a set of white, yellow, and red wires behind my TV. No. Not tonight, Joe. We’re done. I don’t care if I ever record another show. I'll even go without my Jeopardy! I’m hungry.

The next day, I spotted an RCN truck on my street and approached the balding, red-faced driver, who was writing on his clipboard in the front seat. In two minutes, he diagnosed the problem and told me what to do. I went home, pressed three buttons, it worked.

Alex Trebek, I’m back.

Men

John Edwards: What were you thinking? Please, Barack, please. No tabloid revelations.

Saturday Morning Yoga Class

Me before yoga: yakkety-yak, worry, worry, noise, yakkety, uh-oh, plan, plan, review, worry, anticipate, green light you idiot!, what if, oh no, worry, yakkety, noise.

Me after yoga: in and out steady breathing, expansion, calm, warm mellow, soft shoulders, inner smile, humming car, you can pass me that’s fine, all is well, peace, love, harmony.